Unpoppable!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Cloudy with a Chance of Depression

Filed under: Pondering the Personal — jungzx @ 9:08 pm

If acceptance really is the first stage to recovery, then what comes after?

I’ve long since accepted the state that my mind has me in when I’m alone, when I’m with friends, family, people, first thing in the morning, in the middle of the day, late at night, at dusk, at dawn, everywhere and every goddamn time.

It’s like a shadow that follows me around even when there is no light. Except it’s all in my head, trapped beneath my skin, amplified by my hormones, rattling my nerves. My entire being is constantly brought down by this dark cloud that hovers over me, that rains only on me while the sun shines on everyone else. I see the sun. I long for its warmth, sometimes I even feel some of it. I would love to bask in its rays but the evil floating cloud gets in the way.

Nothing is going particularly wrong. Nothing so terrible has shaken my world. Nothing turns to everything and everything is blown out of proportion.

Self-awareness and too much observation has led me to the realization (and acceptance) that this is a purely personal, internal struggle. That something is wrong. With me.

Acceptance, check. What then? Then what?

Friday, July 26, 2013

Embracing Singularity

Filed under: Pondering the Personal,Waxing Philosophical — jungzx @ 7:36 pm
Tags: , ,

Hello!

I’ve been single for 3 years!

And maybe time has forced me to adjust to the situation accordingly, but I’m pretty sure it’s been a long time coming. Either way, I have to write this out. Please, humor me.

*

The first 2 years, in between dating, I went in and out of a miserable ‘forever alone’ slump of a mindset. Was there something wrong with me? Why won’t anyone love me? Am I ugly am I fat am I boring am I annoying? Am I going to die alone? Should I start hoarding cats? You get the drift.

The guys I liked wouldn’t like me enough to continue what we started. The guys who liked me, well… I didn’t like them the same so obviously, I’d walk away.

The past year, I haven’t gone out with anyone. Maybe one to two dates, nothing notable, but I didn’t care. I don’t know what happened, but I stopped being miserable.

Those slumps no longer find me.

This calm is a little scary and a little out-of-the-ordinary but over a few conversations with different sets of friends I realized something I guess I’ve known since I was a little nerdy child with parents who should have just separated:

Societal pressure was the only thing ever pushing me to find a boyfriend. Who else — other than everyone else following the predictable flow of this life game — says contentment has to come hand in hand with getting married and having babies?

I’ve been single for 3 years straight now. I’ve met people. I’ve flirted. I’ve dated. I’ve tried things. I’ve hooked up.

There were a bunch of nice guys, some assholes, and the unfortunate forgettable ones.

But this past year was one I mostly spent with friends, if not just alone.

I’ve learned more about myself than I ever have. I’ve always enjoyed alone time and that hasn’t changed. I thrive on it. I’ve met so many awesome people, have found friends who just get me better than I get myself, and I’ve learned to stick with those who always have.

I’ve gotten to explore the world, in a manner of speaking. And without some ‘other half’.

I’m not quite content just yet — I am, after all, only 27 and still figuring my life out. But I am quite happy with the way things are and the last thing I need is another something to have to spend time on and deal with.

Now, I’m not saying I’ll never settle down. I will. But that, I have decided, doesnot equate to getting married. I can grow up, I can “settle down” alone. And I think I’d much prefer that. It may be a little selfish but it’s also so much simpler.

If somehow, magically, I meet a person who can get me, understand me and deal with all my complexities (and I the same with him), then sure, I wouldn’t run away from that.

But I think I’m okay with living alone the rest of my life. I’ll have my friends and family. They’ll get married. They’ll have kids. (I’ll be nice to their kids, I swear.)

And I… Well, I’ll have my German Shepherd, my cigarettes and my words. And all that should be enough.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Just jeeps.

Filed under: Random Misadventures — jungzx @ 10:50 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

As one who’s never had her own car, public transportation’s been my way of life.

Buses, trains, taxis, tricycles, pedicabs… If it’s a way to get around a place, I’ve probably ridden it at least once. Jeeps, as much as I have developed distaste for riding them after the sun’s gone down, are especially unavoidable.

I had quite the traumatic experience almost a year ago and still, everytime another passenger sticks his hand into his pocket, a sharp intake of breath follows and in that fleeting moment, I prepare for the worst… Usually only to realize he’s reaching for coins.

So you can imagine my horror when I chanced upon a jeep that had, blasting through its speakers, a song with a chorus that went

‘Wag ka nang matakot

May nagbabantay sa dilim

May nag-aabang sa sulok

May hawak na patalim

(Roughly translated to: Don’t be afraid. Someone’s standing guard in the dark, waiting in a corner, with knife in hand.)

Which, for one thing, makes absolutely no sense. Why would you not be afraid if someone’s waiting for you in a dark corner with a knife ready? Unless maybe that knife was to slice a birthday cake he baked for you. I DON’T KNOW.

All I know is I have once again averted the dangers of nightly public transportation.

I succeeded in concealing the little bubbles of paranoia swimming in my brain ’til I got home. But now those bubbles are of confusion, trying to make sense of 4 lines in a strange, supposedly comforting song.

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