Adulthood: The Switch

Do you remember when you were a Child and you’d watch Adults go about their lives?

Walking around the mall, you see them dressed real nice, accessorized and made up like a proper girl and think to yourself “Fucking cool. I wish I could do that.” Walking around parks, you see couples in love and wonder what that feels like. Playing around with the carts while your parents scour the aisles, you observe them pick out their groceries. Sitting at a cafe with your mom, you see them around you, looking cool, hanging out with their equally cool friends, smoking cigarettes.

Adults.

Have you ever realized that now… you’re the Adult in this scenario?

Now, from where the kids are watching, you’re the one they think is cool. You’re the one they want to one day maybe grow up to be. You, with your clothes and make-up. You, with your apartment and your groceries. Your dates, your friends, your parties. You, with your cigarettes and alcohol, with the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever. And, you think, if they knew what I know now, they wouldn’t think I was so “cool”. And you wonder, were all the adults you used to watch from afar just like you, pretending?

Now, you’re the one the kids half-watch in wonder, in awe, in curiosity. And you let them. For now, for all their hopes, dreams and ideals, they don’t need to know any better.

When, Where, How, Why

When chemicals fail and the same science that you find comfort in fails you.

When suddenly, without explanation, you want to run. Away. And hide.

Where no one will find you, knowing, still, that you want to be found. Somehow. Sometime, when you’re finally ready.

But you don’t know when you’ll be ready.

What you need to be ready for, you don’t know. Life?

When you’re searching for answers to questions that shouldn’t need asking, if you know the questions to begin with at all.

When, perhaps, the answers have already come but the rest of you refuse to listen. Perhaps.

When you refuse to accept the reality because, you say, you must fight it. Not out of shame but because, you think, you’re strong.

When you’re not as strong as you want to think you are.

When really all you want is for all these thoughts in your head to stop meandering about in your head and fucking you up, for the uncontrollable bouts of sorrow to leave, for the unexplainable, painful negativity in your idle pondering to disappear.

When you just want this all to end.

When you wish you knew how.

When you wish and wish and wish for you don’t know what but you wish this wasn’t your collection of words and all this was nothing but imaginary.

Cloudy with a Chance of Depression

If acceptance really is the first stage to recovery, then what comes after?

I’ve long since accepted the state that my mind has me in when I’m alone, when I’m with friends, family, people, first thing in the morning, in the middle of the day, late at night, at dusk, at dawn, everywhere and every goddamn time.

It’s like a shadow that follows me around even when there is no light. Except it’s all in my head, trapped beneath my skin, amplified by my hormones, rattling my nerves. My entire being is constantly brought down by this dark cloud that hovers over me, that rains only on me while the sun shines on everyone else. I see the sun. I long for its warmth, sometimes I even feel some of it. I would love to bask in its rays but the evil floating cloud gets in the way.

Nothing is going particularly wrong. Nothing so terrible has shaken my world. Nothing turns to everything and everything is blown out of proportion.

Self-awareness and too much observation has led me to the realization (and acceptance) that this is a purely personal, internal struggle. That something is wrong. With me.

Acceptance, check. What then? Then what?