Tuesday, June 17, 2014

When, Where, How, Why

Filed under: Pondering the Personal — jungzx @ 7:26 pm

When chemicals fail and the same science that you find comfort in fails you.

When suddenly, without explanation, you want to run. Away. And hide.

Where no one will find you, knowing, still, that you want to be found. Somehow. Sometime, when you’re finally ready.

But you don’t know when you’ll be ready.

What you need to be ready for, you don’t know. Life?

When you’re searching for answers to questions that shouldn’t need asking, if you know the questions to begin with at all.

When, perhaps, the answers have already come but the rest of you refuse to listen. Perhaps.

When you refuse to accept the reality because, you say, you must fight it. Not out of shame but because, you think, you’re strong.

When you’re not as strong as you want to think you are.

When really all you want is for all these thoughts in your head to stop meandering about in your head and fucking you up, for the uncontrollable bouts of sorrow to leave, for the unexplainable, painful negativity in your idle pondering to disappear.

When you just want this all to end.

When you wish you knew how.

When you wish and wish and wish for you don’t know what but you wish this wasn’t your collection of words and all this was nothing but imaginary.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Cloudy with a Chance of Depression

Filed under: Pondering the Personal — jungzx @ 9:08 pm

If acceptance really is the first stage to recovery, then what comes after?

I’ve long since accepted the state that my mind has me in when I’m alone, when I’m with friends, family, people, first thing in the morning, in the middle of the day, late at night, at dusk, at dawn, everywhere and every goddamn time.

It’s like a shadow that follows me around even when there is no light. Except it’s all in my head, trapped beneath my skin, amplified by my hormones, rattling my nerves. My entire being is constantly brought down by this dark cloud that hovers over me, that rains only on me while the sun shines on everyone else. I see the sun. I long for its warmth, sometimes I even feel some of it. I would love to bask in its rays but the evil floating cloud gets in the way.

Nothing is going particularly wrong. Nothing so terrible has shaken my world. Nothing turns to everything and everything is blown out of proportion.

Self-awareness and too much observation has led me to the realization (and acceptance) that this is a purely personal, internal struggle. That something is wrong. With me.

Acceptance, check. What then? Then what?

Friday, July 26, 2013

Embracing Singularity

Filed under: Pondering the Personal,Waxing Philosophical — jungzx @ 7:36 pm
Tags: , ,


I’ve been single for 3 years!

And maybe time has forced me to adjust to the situation accordingly, but I’m pretty sure it’s been a long time coming. Either way, I have to write this out. Please, humor me.


The first 2 years, in between dating, I went in and out of a miserable ‘forever alone’ slump of a mindset. Was there something wrong with me? Why won’t anyone love me? Am I ugly am I fat am I boring am I annoying? Am I going to die alone? Should I start hoarding cats? You get the drift.

The guys I liked wouldn’t like me enough to continue what we started. The guys who liked me, well… I didn’t like them the same so obviously, I’d walk away.

The past year, I haven’t gone out with anyone. Maybe one to two dates, nothing notable, but I didn’t care. I don’t know what happened, but I stopped being miserable.

Those slumps no longer find me.

This calm is a little scary and a little out-of-the-ordinary but over a few conversations with different sets of friends I realized something I guess I’ve known since I was a little nerdy child with parents who should have just separated:

Societal pressure was the only thing ever pushing me to find a boyfriend. Who else — other than everyone else following the predictable flow of this life game — says contentment has to come hand in hand with getting married and having babies?

I’ve been single for 3 years straight now. I’ve met people. I’ve flirted. I’ve dated. I’ve tried things. I’ve hooked up.

There were a bunch of nice guys, some assholes, and the unfortunate forgettable ones.

But this past year was one I mostly spent with friends, if not just alone.

I’ve learned more about myself than I ever have. I’ve always enjoyed alone time and that hasn’t changed. I thrive on it. I’ve met so many awesome people, have found friends who just get me better than I get myself, and I’ve learned to stick with those who always have.

I’ve gotten to explore the world, in a manner of speaking. And without some ‘other half’.

I’m not quite content just yet — I am, after all, only 27 and still figuring my life out. But I am quite happy with the way things are and the last thing I need is another something to have to spend time on and deal with.

Now, I’m not saying I’ll never settle down. I will. But that, I have decided, doesnot equate to getting married. I can grow up, I can “settle down” alone. And I think I’d much prefer that. It may be a little selfish but it’s also so much simpler.

If somehow, magically, I meet a person who can get me, understand me and deal with all my complexities (and I the same with him), then sure, I wouldn’t run away from that.

But I think I’m okay with living alone the rest of my life. I’ll have my friends and family. They’ll get married. They’ll have kids. (I’ll be nice to their kids, I swear.)

And I… Well, I’ll have my German Shepherd, my cigarettes and my words. And all that should be enough.

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