I cried today.
If anyone knows me at all, they’d know it takes a lot (outside of cheesy/dramatic movies) to make me cry.
But today, alone at a cafe and in clear view of strangers, I cried. I didn’t sob, not quite, but the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.
Wiping the tears off delicately with my fingers and trying to make sure snot wasn’t creeping out of my nose, I thought “What the FUCK.”
It came from a message my mom sent me, a reply to my apology.
I had left the house in raw, raw anger and we said goodbyes awkwardly. A kiss on her cheek and a “Yeah… Bye.” She knew not to try to console me in that state because it would only result in more anger and hurtful words.
See, my glasses broke today. I knew I needed new ones because they were pretty much falling apart. Finally, that morning, they gave in to the inevitable.
I was pissed. I knew that meant I’d have to shell out a few thousand pesos I didn’t have to buy new ones.
I was pissed because I remembered then how dependent I was on a couple lenses to see. I was blind. I had to wait my turn at the bathroom so I could shower and put on my contacts. I was pissed because I couldn’t see for most of the morning.
I was pissed because it reminded me of how, since my dad died, our financial status had changed and we can no longer just take out money anytime we needed. I hated my dad for dying and leaving us like this.
I noticed the TV was flickering and looked like it was going to give way anytime soon. And thought, what if we needed a new TV too?
I was frustrated. I lashed out on my brother because he told me my keychain with the solar-powered battery was fake and he didn’t tell me this when I bought it. I demanded an explanation as to why he let me waste money on it.
I was enraged and we fought. I lashed out at my mom too because she told me I should quit putting the blame on other people and I got all defensive about it.
My glasses broke and I fell into a dark and blurry place. Literally. Figuratively.
I texted her an apology hours later, already away from home. 4 years after dad died, I’m still adjusting to the status we were forced into. 4 years later, I’m still learning the ropes. I said I was sorry. I really was.
She replied. Apology accepted. She said she was just frustrated too because she didn’t know how she could help me.
That’s all she said, and I cried. In that sentence, she told me she was frustrated too. And without words, she reminded me I wasn’t alone in this too. And I was made to realize how, as the eldest of 2, the last thing I ought to do is disappoint her and add to her troubles as a mom. How, as a mom, she worries about me too and I’d forgotten that. We’re both older now. I should be taking care of her and not the other way around.
Oh, hey, the tears came again as I typed that last paragraph.
I’m not explaining myself very well. I’d already written this all down at that cafe, all alone, in the privacy of a few pages in my journal.
Ultimately, all I wanted to say was this: I lost sight of what I was doing with my life. What I wanted and what I needed was muddled into one big melting pot. And now, with the eventful past few days in mind, I’ll work on redefining what fits into where.
It won’t be easy. I’ll have my lapses of irresponsibility. But there is no doubt that this opened my eyes.
Strangely enough, with eyeglasses broken, things are a little bit clearer.