So lately I’ve been having really horrible thoughts. Thoughts laden with emo confusion and misery — I encounter these 2 way too often. I want this to stop, but I can’t do anything about it. I can’t help it.
Sometimes, I think, I want to stay. Right where I am. I’ve already got my dream staring right at me! Almost there, but not quite, taunting me from a small distance. Will I actually be getting there? Or are all these ambitions for shit? Have I been lying to myself, telling myself I can do it? What if I’m really no good at what I do after all and I’m just not made for this field, this profession? What if everything I’ve known I can do was just me lying to myself?
The longer I stay, the more I want to get away and I don’t know why. I don’t even know if it’s for the right reasons or otherwise. Is this what they call self sabotage or am I just feeling that it’s not right for me, whatever that means?
The longer I stay, the more confused I get. The more questions I ask, the more questions I get, no answers.
I’m second third fourth fifth guessing myself now. I’m having painful, serious doubts.
If I stay, will it be for nothing? It feels so dead-ended sometimes.
It’s all too much like Coelho’s Veronika, you see? I’m nowhere near suicidal, but I can relate to her a little too much than I’m comfortable with. “Is this all there is to life?” It can’t be.
Right now, I feel I want to go. Across the seas, somewhere only very few people will know me. Somewhere I can start from scratch. Somewhere I can get away from everyone here.
Maybe there, I think, I’ll find the change I need. Maybe there, I’ll find myself. Maybe there, I’ll find new — and real — friends.
And maybe there, I’ll find peace.
But only maybes! Dare I give up everything and everyone I have here — shitty or otherwise — to go across the world and start over for a maybe?
Sometimes, running away is the answer. But this time, is it? Because I have the feeling the shadows of my issues will just continue haunting me, no matter where I go.
So what do I do then? I don’t know. All I got was more questions in answer to my questions.