Monday, March 2, 2009

Everything falls apart.

Filed under: Tickle Me Emo — jungzx @ 7:32 pm
Tags: , , ,

So lately I’ve been having really horrible thoughts. Thoughts laden with emo confusion and misery — I encounter these 2 way too often. I want this to stop, but I can’t do anything about it. I can’t help it.

Sometimes, I think, I want to stay. Right where I am. I’ve already got my dream staring right at me! Almost there, but not quite, taunting me from a small distance. Will I actually be getting there? Or are all these ambitions for shit? Have I been lying to myself, telling myself I can do it? What if I’m really no good at what I do after all and I’m just not made for this field, this profession? What if everything I’ve known I can do was just me lying to myself?

The longer I stay, the more I want to get away and I don’t know why. I don’t even know if it’s for the right reasons or otherwise. Is this what they call self sabotage or am I just feeling that it’s not right for me, whatever that means?

The longer I stay, the more confused I get. The more questions I ask, the more questions I get, no answers.

I’m second third fourth fifth guessing myself now. I’m having painful, serious doubts.

If I stay, will it be for nothing? It feels so dead-ended sometimes.

It’s all too much like Coelho’s Veronika, you see? I’m nowhere near suicidal, but I can relate to her a little too much than I’m comfortable with. “Is this all there is to life?” It can’t be.

Right now, I feel I want to go. Across the seas, somewhere only very few people will know me. Somewhere I can start from scratch. Somewhere I can get away from everyone here.

Maybe there, I think, I’ll find the change I need. Maybe there, I’ll find myself. Maybe there, I’ll find new — and real — friends.

And maybe there, I’ll find peace.

But only maybes! Dare I give up everything and everyone I have here — shitty or otherwise — to go across the world and start over for a maybe?

Sometimes, running away is the answer. But this time, is it? Because I have the feeling the shadows of my issues will just continue haunting me, no matter where I go.

So what do I do then? I don’t know. All I got was more questions in answer to my questions.



  1. *hugs* it’s really a self journey. good luck on your trek

    Comment by dementia — Monday, March 2, 2009 @ 8:28 pm | Reply

  2. It really is hard to make a decision when you’ve got an awesome career starting here. Hoping the best for you.

    Comment by Ade — Tuesday, March 3, 2009 @ 12:24 am | Reply

  3. Second guessing. I get it.

    I’d like to think we’re at the point when we’re still figuring out what we really want, what would make us happy. *hugs* We can go past this. I wish you the best. :D

    Comment by anna oh — Saturday, March 14, 2009 @ 10:33 am | Reply

  4. I’m with you on this.

    And I agree with Anna…maybe we’re just too uneasy about things because we still don’t know what we really want at this point.

    Comment by KC — Saturday, March 21, 2009 @ 8:18 am | Reply

  5. I’m not sure how I got to this page, but I’m kind of glad I did. I have no idea who you are and I’m sure there is more to this post then I can begin to imagine. Anyway, self-doubt is a total bitch- after briefly scanning this blog I have to say you seem like a good person with a lot of wisdom to offer. I would totally say more – but I don’t want to be internet creepio…
    From a complete stranger – I really hope everything works out for you.

    Comment by meccas — Saturday, March 6, 2010 @ 1:31 am | Reply

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