Twilight — and the rest of the book series — by she with the name that looks misspelled, StephEnie Meyer, was something that, despite (or because) of all the hype, despite my being a nerd and bookworm, I never got into.
I watched the movie last night though. I wanted to give it a chance. Besides, I’ve seen pics of Cedric Diggory Robert Pattinson smoking a cigarette in behind-the-scenes photos, and pics of That Girl Who Looked Like a Boy in Panic Room smoking a pipe, so I thought, hey, maybe the movie turns out okay! (My logic makes sense only to me.)
And the movie was… FUNNY!!! I was laughing my ass off throughout the whole thing!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAaa–oh, wait. It wasn’t a comedy?
The lines were so bad, they were hilarious. I swear I heard a guy behind me snort when Edward Cullen (Pattinson) uttered that supposedly famous line in the book “And the lion fell in love with the lamb.” (CHEEEEEESY!!! I LOL’d. No, I LMAO’d!) It may have worked in the book but NOT in the movie. A lot of lines didn’t work in the movie. The dialogue was lame, and at the beginning of the film, the chemistry between the lead characters (Edward and Bella Swan) was lackluster. It didn’t help that they were bad actors and Pattinson had only 4 faces. I counted. Let me enumerate for you:
- Angry! Or emo. Or pensive. Or confused. Or trying to be sexy. Or lusting over Bella. Or whatever — I couldn’t really tell. His confused look confused me.
- Autistic! I am aware that autism is a real condition and I am not poking fun at it. I am honestly telling you that there are scenes where he avoids looking the girl straight in the eyes (?!?!?!), and he looks mildly autistic. Or blind. Like, WTF.
- Happy! Okay that was cute. Too bad there was only like a 5 second scene. And he was wearing shades (Why?! I DON’T KNOW.)
- and Crazy Eyes! Crazy Eyes I think was when he was trying to be concerned? Involved? Engaged in conversation? Passionate??? I’m not sure. He should have kept the sunglasses on.
After bad acting, there was the character development which was… well, nowhere to be found. There were characters in the movie that were, to put it in simple terms, parang epal lang. They contributed absolutely nothing to the movie, except maybe to act as human fillers. There’s a list of useless characters, but I prefer not to go into it because it’s too long.
I must not forget to mention the important aspect of the movie. The story. The movie as a movie, and not just an extension of the book. It sucked. Like a vampire sucks on its victims next. IT SUCKED. How apt. If I hadn’t been watching it with my cousin who explained most of the movie to me, I wouldn’t have gotten it. I would have left with so many questions.
The ending, if you can call it that, made me go “What. ?” Like that. Not an outright question mark but a “What (period) (question mark)” with a blank expression on my face. To stifle the giggles.
But hey, redeeming factor number one: There really were funny bits and they were meant to be funny. And they were actually funny. And cute. The Cullens are adorable, I’ll give you that. And Edward Cullen’s angry/emo/pensive face was hot at the right angle. So okay, there’s redeeming factor one point five.
Redeeming factor number two (kinda): The parts that weren’t supposed to be funny, were actually funnier than the funny bits! All these negative things I’ve said about the movie were what made it sooooo unforgettable for me. The movie kept me entertained and ROFLOLMAOing the whole time, and I have to say — I haven’t laughed that much in quite a long time! We actually couldn’t sleep just laughing about it until early morning!
So, thank you, Twilight, for the good times and the laughter. I know you didn’t mean it, but I really don’t give a fuck. I’m so watching the sequel and I hope it’s just as bad!